“It was a dark and stormy night.” Just kidding. While it was a sunny Sunday afternoon in July 2013, the circumstances in my life were gloomy indeed. I sat in a corner of a local Starbucks sipping a freshly made iced coffee. I was also facing the beginning of the end of my eight-year marriage. There was a myriad of thoughts in my head as I pondered an uncertain future. I agonized over the spiritual, emotional, relational, and financial implications divorce would have on me.
Suddenly, my chest began to pound. I stood up and nervously circled my table. The pounding stopped for a few minutes but intensified again. “Oh, my God!”, I screamed within, “Am I having a heart attack?” I raced to the barista’s counter and begged a server to call 911. Shortly after, I heard a blaze of sirens approaching. It was a harrowing scene for other patrons when first responders burst into the coffeehouse and rushed me to a nearby hospital.
Emergency room attendants performed many tests on me over three hours. Finally, a doctor came into my room. “Derek, we’ve done every test we can think of, and your heart is fine,” he assured. “Is anything going on in your life now?” he asked. I told him about my looming divorce. “It makes sense,” he responded, “Derek, you had an anxiety attack.”
Even with the doctor’s confidence, I still wasn’t persuaded there were no heart problems. The doctor discharged me from the hospital, and I drove home. Later that day, I experienced another “attack.” I reached out to many people over the phone, and I got their voice mails every time. Then, I understood the overwhelming sense of loneliness Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion.
From that time on, an extended, internal debate of is it an anxiety attack or is it a heart attack ensued. I intentionally stayed awake for four straight days, frightened to fall asleep. If I fell asleep, I thought I wouldn’t wake up again. I tried to immerse myself in scriptures like Psalms 3:5, “I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me.”
My primary care doctor, understanding my condition, obliged me and conducted electrocardiogram (EKG) tests to reassure my heart was in no danger. Eventually, he agreed with the emergency room doctor’s conclusion of anxiety and suggested overseeing a temporary antidepressant regimen. I prayed about this and agreed to go ahead.
I want to give a side note here. Some within the Christian community frown on antidepressants, but I think they can help lessen depression or anxiety, if necessary. It can be what a cast is for a broken limb. It doesn’t indicate a lack of faith or trust in God. I believe God gives doctors wisdom.
Ironically, opponents of antidepressants take remedies such as inhibitors to regulate blood pressure, statins to lower cholesterol, or wear eyeglasses or contact lenses to improve vision. Doctors prescribe them all. Therefore, to those who may need an antidepressant, pray to God for guidance and consult with your doctor to make an informed decision.
Ultimately, the biggest part of my healing process came from the support of family, friends, a divorce recovery group at a local church, and 1 Peter 5:5-7, which says, “‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time He will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.”
Before reading this scripture, I felt I alone could repair the damage from the fallout of my divorce. Figuratively speaking, I tied God’s hands. He wanted to intervene. My guilt, shame, and pride wouldn’t allow Him. Today, I realize, as the Apostle Paul says in Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything (only) through Christ, who gives me strength.”
Some may wonder why I chose to expose this tumultuous period of my life. Someone somewhere is going through a divorce as I did. I want my story to give comfort to them. The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:3b-4, “God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
To those feeling abandoned and hopeless, God knows where you are. God loves divorced people. He hates what divorce does to people. He hasn’t forgotten about you. David says to God in Psalm 23:4, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and Your staff protect and comfort me.” God has no favoritism. As He was with David, He promises the same to you.
In closing, become independent of acting independently. Depend on your Heavenly Father to guide you through your season of adversity. Eventually, you’ll celebrate as David did in Psalms 40:1-3, “I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”
Hold on. Freedom is closer than you think.
